What is the key skill you need if you want to Slow Down?

It isn’t meditation, or daily affirmations or dominating your decluttering skills.

The number one skill you MUST master if you want to Slow Down is learning to say NO.

Does the thought of saying NO make you make you break out in hives? Meeeee too.

But you know, I’ve been workin on it and I gotta say, it’s worth taking a deep breath and giving it a shot. And I promise, it will get easier.

Saying NO is hard to do

Especially as women, saying NO can be tough. Many of us are socialized from a young age to be “good girls”; kind, agreeable, nice. Saying NO can feel selfish or like we’re letting the people around us down.

And if you’re a recovering people-pleaser (like me) the thought of saying NO can be downright mortifying.

Learning to say NO is an ESSENTIAL skill if you want to live your true YES

Learning to say NO was the very first step in my journey to Slow.

Nearly a decade ago I was still working a 9 to 5; I was accomplished, successful and miserable.

RELATED POST : My Journey to Slow

And then something amazing happened. The universe gave me a nudge. I fell into a crazy kundolini yoga class with exactly the teacher I needed at that precise moment in my life. ( Lana, wherever you are – Thank you. )

In that goofy yoga class  we learned to set intentions, released what was holding us back and sang Van Morrison with wild abandon while stretching our weary limbs at 7 am three days a week. It was . . . well, weird. And absolutely GLORIOUS.

That is the moment I can point to and say “Here is where everything changed.“

Kundolini Yoga and Lana taught me how, and more importantly WHY, to say NO.

Lana said something in that class that has stayed with me all these years later. She said :

We will never reach our true, authentic yes until we learn to say NO with the strength of will of a young child.

Let that sit with you for a sec.

Imagine your favourite four year old human. They’re a force of nature, right? Willpower? Yup. Focus? Check. Absolutely prepared to do whatever is necessary to get what they want? You bet.

What if you could channel that, even a little? How would your life change?

Could it be that learning to say NO could be the key skill you need to finally Slow Down?

Have you ever considered that by choosing to not say NO, you are blocking your own path to the abundant, purposeful life you deserve?

I dunno about you, but when I was in that successful-but-miserable season of my life, I felt SO STUCK. I was working so hard, but I felt like the universe just wouldn’t cut me a break.

That yoga class and one morsel of advice made me realize – Hey, wait! The universe totally has my back!

The trouble was, my hands were so full of things I should have said NO to, I couldn’t reach out and receive the abundant, true, authentic YES the universe was trying to hand me.

We have to learn to put that shit down, and that means saying NO.

Open your hands if you want to be held. – Rumi

Rumi knows what’s what. Just sayin’.

Suddenly, learning to say NO became a radical act of self-care

When I shifted my mindset and attitude around saying NO from one of guilt and obligation to one of love, respect and self-care . . . all the bad ju-ju surrounding the word NO melted away.

Learning to say NO became a responsibility,  a gift to my future self, a slow skill full of grace and kindness and focused intention.

Sounds kinda nice, right?

So, ready to learn the #1 Skill to finally Slow Down?

1 ) Shift your mindset

Reframe your thoughts surrounding saying NO. Instead of wrapping the word up in feelings of guild, fear, disappointment or shame, remember that NO is actually about respect for others and yourself.

No is simply a means of setting boundaries. Clear, firm and well-communicated boundaries are the best way to avoid a lifetime of future NO’s and all those bad feelings you’re afraid of.

Remember that NO is a radical act of self care and necessary to achieve the abundant, purposeful life you deserve.

2 ) Don’t apologize for saying NO

K, so I’m Canadian. We’re known around the world for our generous, compulsive, often irrational use of the word “sorry“. ( YOU bump into ME on the subway? I’m the one who says sorry. ) We can’t help it. It’s who we are. So this one is extra tough for me.

But you can’t do it. Just don’t. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable but it’s necessary or you will never shift your mindset.

You’ve got nothing to apologize for.

3 ) Soften your NO while you’re getting comfortable

Listen, this isn’t going to happen over night. You can take it in baby steps.

While you get used to saying NO, you can build up those muscles by softening your NOs at the start. This is especially helpful with those closest to us, or people who you’re most afraid to say NO to, like customers.

You can soften your NO by :

• referring them to someone else
• say NO I can’t do it now but I’m happy to do it (give a specific time that works for you – only if it actually does!)
• include your YES “I am fully committed to x right now, so I am not taking on any new projects”
• DO NOT use Maybe as a softener. Ever. All this does is kick your NO down the road. A clear NO is much more respectful to the person asking than a MAYBE that you don’t really mean.

3 ) Anticipate a positive outcome

This is my go-to when dealing with customers. I find that if I set the expectation that they will respect my NO right at the outset, they are a lot more likely to meet that expectation.

A simple “Thanks in advance for your understanding” has saved me a world of heartache and back-and-forth more times than I can count.

By showing the other person you expect them to respect and honour your NO in such polite terms, they’re a lot more likely to act accordingly.

4 ) Check your fear

Saying NO can sure trigger some pretty big fears. Fear that you’ll be judged, fear that the other person will get mad, quit, leave, take their business elsewhere . . .

In reality, most of the things we worry about never happen.

In business in particular, saying NO can be the most efficient way to YES – a yes that you can be enthusiastic about.

And if they don’t respect your NO? Here’s the thing I’ve learned – people who push you to yes when you want to say NO will continue to push. Save yourself the grief.

5 ) Don’t over explain

This one took me a long time to learn. I wanted to soften my NOs by explaining.

What I was really doing was suggesting that my NO was negotiable.

If you give them a spiel about why you’re saying NO, they will naturally try to fix that why to get you to YES.

Remember, NO is a complete sentence.